Kingdom Hearts III
by Keyblade626
Summary: This parody picks up right after the ending of the second Kingdom Hearts game. After reading Mickey's letter, strange things begin to happen on the island, and Sora and co. find themselves encountering candy, teddy bears, and . . . AMERICA!
1. Chapter 1: King Mickey's Letter

Sora, Kairi, and Riku crowded around the letter Sora had just pulled out from the bottle Kairi discovered. They all began to read it at their own pace.

_Dear Sora, _

_You and your friends are very dumb. First of all, Sora, your feet are way too big. And Riku needs a haircut badly. Kairi, on the otherhand, well, she's just plain stupid. I don't like you guys and I will never speak to you again after this letter. Leave me and all the other worlds alone forever and ever. Stay on your smelly island for all eternity. _

_Will hate you always,_

_King Mickey_

"Well, that was nice of him," Sora commented, rolling the letter back up and tossing it into the sea.

"I do not need a haircut!" Riku shouted. "Maybe I like my hair this way!"

"Why is everyone calling me stupid?" Kairi wondered.

"Because you are," Sora replied.

"But I thought you loved me, Sora."

"Some things can be deceiving. I take back the time I called you ugly, but no one can deny that you are stupid."

"It's not my fault! I was stuck on this island for how long waiting for you? And now, you finally show up and immediately start insulting me?"

"It was King Mickey who said it!"

"All right, you two," Riku calmed. "We need to decide what we're going to do now."

"Stay here and chill out," Sora clarified. "Mickey told us he didn't want our help anymore."

"He never seemed to hate us until now," Riku pointed out. "Don't you find that at all suspicious?"

"Umm . . . no, not really."

"Sora, you're a retard. Someone must've forced him to write that letter. Maybe he's really in trouble and we have to help."

"Whatever, Riku," Sora sighed. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying right here."

"I'll make you come, Sora, even if I have to drag you along. You're the one with the keyblade, remember?"

"Well, maybe I don't want it," Sora said, handing his weapon to Riku. "Here, you take it and go save the world if you want."

"I thought we were friends, Sora. Don't you care about helping your friends?" Riku refused to take the keyblade from Sora. "And . . . that means Kairi and I will be alone and . . ."

"Okay, I'll go! But can we at least wait another day and see if any more mysterious letters turn up?"

"Fine."

Sora invited Kairi to the secret cave later that day.

"Kairi, do you really think Mickey's in danger?" he asked.

"What do I know?" she replied. "I'm stupid, remember?"

Kairi expected him to apologize, but Sora only said, "Oh, that's right."

Kairi shook her head and was about to cry. "Sora, do you love me or not?" she asked.

"Umm . . ."

Just as Sora was about to answer, Goofy and Donald came flying out of the strange door in the cavern, screaming all the way. A giant heartless was following closely behind them. Sora drew his keyblade as Goofy and Donald continued to run. Kairi backed against the wall to make room for the dragon-like heartless.

"Hey, aren't you from Mulan's world?" Sora demanded.

"Uh . . . no," the heartless strangely uttered before begging for mercy. "Please don't kill me, Mr. Keyblade Wielder, Sir!"

"Turn around and go home!" Sora commanded.

"Sora!" Kairi scolded. "You're going to let it get away?"

"Why not? It's ruining my time off! Of course I'm going to send it away! Besides, I don't feel like fighting."

"You really are a lazy bum, Sora."

"Thank you."

The heartless stood motionless, looking from Kairi to Sora over and over again.

"If you won't fight," Kairi finally spoke out, "then I will! Give me that keyblade!"

Kairi snatched the keyblade from Sora without another word and began to slash at the heartless. The dragon-like beast backed toward the door as Kairi's eyes were blazing with fury at Sora's idleness.

"Please let me go home," the heartless pleaded. "I promise not to cause any more trouble." It then put on the best puppy face it could manage and stared Kairi in the eyes.

"Aww . . . Kairi, look at how cute he is," Sora was saying.

"Shut up, Sora! You called me stupid, but you're stupid if you're going to just let this thing leave!"

Kairi was on the verge of breathing fire, so Sora shut up and made for the exit, meeting Goofy and Donald just outside.

"What's going on in there?" Donald had the nerve to ask.

"Kairi's gone insane," Sora clarified. "She's going to take over the world if we don't stop her!"

"Kairi wouldn't do that . . ." Goofy said.

"Go see for yourself!" Sora demanded, pointing frantically at the cavern entrance.

Apparently, Goofy didn't want to see for himself. He was about to say so when Riku showed up.

"Is everything all right?" he asked.

"Sora says Kairi's going crazy." Donald informed.

"Why? What happened?"

"Well, Riku," Sora began. "Kairi and I were in the secret place and I was, you know, pretending to be paying attention to her and everything. And then, Goofy and Donald just came out of nowhere with this giant heartless following behind them. I told the heartless to go home, and it was about to listen until Kairi took my keyblade and went all kung-fu on it."

"Kairi's not supposed to have the keyblade!"

"That's what I tried to tell her, but . . ."

"Why was a heartless chasing Goofy and Donald?"

"Because Your Majesty has gone crazy too," Goofy answered. "He's calling together all the heartless and nobodies, and he's sending hate mail to all his friends."

"That would explain that letter . . ." Riku pondered. "Do you know what he plans to do with the heartless?"

"He's keeping them as pets. And he's giving keyblades to the nobodies."

"Where's he getting all the keyblades?"

"Magic."

"Okay . . ."

"Hey, Riku!" Sora distracted. "Kairi's coming out now!"

Kairi walked out to join them, dragging the keyblade behind her and resembling a zombie. She had a stripe of blood across her face and a deep wound in her stomach.

"Kairi!" Riku exclaimed. "What did you do? Those aren't heartless wounds, are they?"

"We have . . . a problem . . ." she managed before collapsing.

Sora ran forward to ease her fall. "She's out cold," he announced. "What do we do?"

Riku went into his hero stance. "We go see who did this to her."


	2. Chapter 2: Evil Lurks

_"We have . . . a problem . . ." Kairi managed before collapsing. _

_Sora ran forward to ease her fall. "She's out cold," he announced. "What do we do?"_

_Riku went into his hero stance. "We go see who did this to her." _

When we left, our so-called "heroes" were looking miserably upon a fallen Kairi. Riku prepared for attack.

"Donald, Goofy," he addressed, "you stay with Kairi. Sora and I are going back into that cavern."

"Sora most certainly is not!" Sora bellowed out.

"Don't you care about what just happened to Kairi? Don't you think we should avenge her!?!"

"Umm . . ."

But before Sora could completely answer, the new enemies found them. There were three of them, and the dragon heartless was no where to be seen. All three were dressed in full steel body armor, and all three carried . . . keyblades!?! From first guess, it looked like only one of them was female.

"And who are you guys?" Riku interrogated, drawing his winged blade.

"If we told you, we'd have to kill you," the tallest one answered.

"Try it then!"

"Riku, what are you doing?" Sora asked, gently laying Kairi down and standing up.

"What does it look like? I'm gonna fight them!"

"But we don't even know what they're capable of!"

"Just get your keyblade and help me!"

"Fine . . ." Sora mumbled. "Do you have to be so bossy?"

Goofy and Donald took up a position next to Kairi while Riku and Sora faced their new rivals.

"Tell us your names and then you can try and kill us," Riku bargained.

"Riku, they _are_ going to kill us!" Sora shouted. "Just look at them!"

"Shut up, Sora!"

"How about we try and kill you first?" the woman suggested. "Then, we can see whether or not you're worthy of the knowledge you seek."

"Wait . . ." the tall one interrupted. "This kid is the one we've come here for. The true keyblade master . . ."

"You're right," the other man confirmed. "We can't kill him. If the true keyblade master dies, we lose our keyblades as well. The King wouldn't like that."

"You came for me?" Sora questioned. "Why?"

"The King was right about you," the tallest said. "You've been through all this, but you still understand nothing about light and darkness."

"Why do you have keyblades?" Riku demanded.

"The King gave them to us."

"I told you, Sora!" Goofy yelled out. "Your Majesty's gone bonkers!"

"Hmm . . ." Sora uttered, his hand stroking his chin.

"Oh, no," Riku responded, "Sora's thinking again. This could be bad . . ."

"I'm confused," said Sora.

"Well, that's nothing new."

"No, seriously, Riku . . . Aren't you confused?"

"You confuse me, Sora."

"Will the two of you just knock it off and fight!?!" the woman exclaimed.

"No," the tall one stopped, "we aren't going to fight them. We can't harm the keyblade master."

"That's right!" Sora made sure to rub in. "Now, go home, you losers!"

"Sora, don't taunt them, you idiot!" Riku scolded.

"The true keyblade master should know our names," the tallest determined. "We need to make sure he remembers us once the keyblade war begins."

"Keyblade war?" Sora scratched his head, hoping his brain would provide him with more intelligence.

"That's right. My name is Jim. The other man here is Sam, and the lady is Holly."

"Nice names . . ." Riku commented under his breath.

"So . . . are we friends . . . or enemies?" Sora wondered.

"I guess we'll find out when the war starts," Jim answered. "You'd better start learning more about this war, kid, or you're going to fall behind. You have responsibilities now, like it or not. I can't believe the keyblade chose you . . ."

"Grr . . . I hate when people say that to me!"

"Live with it. We'll see you later."

The three disappeared almost instantly. Sora wasn't happy with this, so he tired himself out searching for them, even though people had disappeared in front of him countless times before.

"Sora!" Donald called. "Kairi's waking up!"

Sora looked thrilled for about two seconds. And then, "Kairi! You stole my keyblade and screamed at me! How stupid can you possibly get?!?" He was shaking her aching body as he spoke.

"Sora, get off her!" Riku shouted, whaking him repeatedly with a stick.

Sora, now spinning with a headache, released Kairi and sat down in the grass. If possible, he lost more brain cells.

"Oooowwwwiiiiieeee . . ." he continued to moan.

"Oh, suck it up, Sora," Riku said.

Kairi, meanwhile, was struggling to recover. As you may know by now, bleeding is not an occurence in Kingdom Hearts, so Kairi amazingly had no blood to show for what had happened to her. We call what she had "wounds", but you cannot see them like you would expect in a real life experience. So, they are, in fact, there, but they aren't visable. Yes, I know, it doesn't make any sense. But now I'm ranting on like a complete idiot, so I'm going to continue the story now.

"Kairi, can you tell us what they did to you?" Riku encouraged.

"They killed off the heartless," Kairi surprisingly could explain with ease. "Then, they thought I was a heartless, so they tried to kill me too. I heard a lady's voice say she made a mistake and a guy's voice chewing her out because of it while I was making my way back out here. I think I saw a snail while I was trying to get here, but it could have been a frog too . . . or maybe it was a hamster. Anyway, I almost stepped on it."

"Kairi," Riku sighed, "what makes you think I want to hear about some snail?"

"But it might have been a hamster . . ."

"So what if it was? We aren't concerned about hamsters right now."

"But if it was a cute little hamster and I had stepped on it, wouldn't you feel awful?"

"No . . ."

"I would, Kairi!" Donald burst out.

"Only because you are a duck," Riku pointed out. "Oh, and if you're going to wear a shirt, you might as well put on some pants to, you know?"

"I'm wearing a cloak!" Donald defended.

"Whatever . . ."

Sora suddenly came back into reality and almost lunged for Kairi again before Riku grabbed him.

"Sora! Will you knock it off?"

Sora gave up and began panting heavily like a dog while Riku explained to Kairi what the three armored people had said to them.

"So there's going to be a war?" Kairi asked. "And King Mickey is out of control?"

"Apparently," Riku determind. "Guess we don't get the day off after all."

"Woof! Woof!" Sora put in.

"I don't even want to know . . ." Riku said, shaking his head.


	3. Chapter 3: Sora's True Identity

_"So there's going to be a war?" Kairi asked. "And King Mickey is out of control?"_

_"Apparently," Riku determind. "Guess we don't get the day off after all."_

_"Woof! Woof!" Sora put in._

_"I don't even want to know . . ." Riku said, shaking his head._

Sora began to bark repeatedly and run around in circles.

"Great," Riku commented. "He's not going to be any use to us like that."

"Maybe you smashed his brains too much," Kairi concluded.

"Well, hopefully, he'll snap out of it. We can't have the true keyblade master playing fetch all day, especially when there's a war coming."

While waiting for Sora to come to his senses, Riku and the others had set up a campfire and were happily roasting marshmellows and making smores.

"Hey, Donald," Riku addressed, "where did you get these marshmellows? They're great!"

"Well," Donald responded, "they're not exactly . . . . marshmellows, Riku."

"Then, may I ask what they are?"

"That's Donald's earwax in cottonball form!" Goofy was kind enough to clarify.

Kairi and Riku began spitting and coughing instantly, whiping their tongues clean.

"Wait a minute . . ." Kairi said as she finished rinsing her mouth out with water three hundred times. "Donald doesn't have ears, does he?"

SPLASH!!!!!

"What was that?" Riku wondered. "Hey, where's Sora!?!"

Sora was running around on all fours and checking out everything in sight. It just so happened that he decided to try eating a papou fruit, but in order to do so, he had to walk across the sideways tree and manage to grab one. This, however, did not work out, and Sora fell into the water below. Now, he was doggy-paddling back to shore.

"Kairi, before Sora gets here . . . there's something you should know." Riku suddenly looked nervous as he spoke.

Kairi, on the otherhand, was excited to hear. "Really? What is it?"

"Umm . . . well . . . You see, Kairi, I didn't want to say anything, but . . . Sora isn't who you think he is."

"What do you mean? Of course he's isn't. You hit him in the head!!!"

"No, it's different than that. Remember when you came to these islands?"

"Of course I do."

"Do you remember what Sora was like when you first met him?"

"He was shy . . . and a cute little boy."

"You mean . . . you didn't notice anything _different_ about him?" Sora was nearing the shore as Riku finished.

"What are you getting at?"

"I'm the only one who knows, besides his parents, of course."

"Just tell me already!!!"

"Fine, Kairi . . . Sora is . . . actually . . ."

"Just get on with it!!!!!!!!!!"

"A GIRL!!!!!!"

"NOOOOOO!!!!!!"

"That's why he wouldn't share the papou fruit with you, Kairi."

"But that can't be . . . He sounds like a guy. He looks like a guy. I'm sure he's a guy!!!! Riku, tell me it's not true!"

But Sora had come ashore and was shaking off water droplets all over Riku and Kairi. Donald and Goofy watched from their positions closer to the fire, laughing at them all. After he was dry, Sora stood up from all fours, no longer acting like a crazed dog.

"So, what's goin' on, guys?" he asked.

"You remember everything, right?" Riku asked him. "The keyblade war? Those three people? The king going mad?"

"Yeah . . . why?"

"Because you were acting like a dog just a couple seconds ago," Goofy said, coming up to him with Donald at his side.

"No, Goofy," Kairi corrected, "you're a dog . . . and Sora wasn't as weird as you . . . so . . ."

"Now, miss, there are two types of dogs around here," Goofy explained. "There are the talking ones like me and the barking ones like Pluto. Sora was a barking one."

"So, therefore," Riku said, "you are finally admitting that you are, in fact, a dog . . . correct?"

"Hey! What? No, I meant . . ."

"All right, Sora," Riku continued. "Don't you think it's time we went to see the king?"

"Okay!" Sora shouted. "Hey, Kairi, why are you looking at me that way?"

Kairi shook off her expression. "Oh, it's nothing. I was just picturing you some other way . . ."

"Really? Did you picture me as a jellyfish??? I've always wanted to be a jellyfish!!!"

"Guys," Riku interrupted, "let's just get moving before anyone decides to change their mind."


	4. Chapter 4: Riku's Accident

_"Guys," Riku interrupted, "let's just get moving before anyone decides to change their mind."_

"GOOD IDEA, RIKU!!!" Sora suddenly erupted.

"Ouch," Riku groaned. "Did you have to do that so loud?"

"YES!!!!!!!"

"Sora," Kairi stepped in. "KNOCK IT OFF!!!"

"Gosh," Sora responded. "Why ya gotta be so hostile all of the sudden, Kairi?"

"BECAUSE YOU WON'T SHUT UP!!!!!!"

"I'LL MAKE YOU ALL SHUT UP IN A MINUTE!!!!!" Riku bellowed.

"They seem to be ignoring us quite a bit," Donald said to Goofy as they stood back to watch the argument.

"I don't think they like us very much," Goofy agreed.

"Let's go chill on the island by ourselves," suggested Donald.

"Okay, I'm with you on that."

So Donald and Goofy went off and left the other three to fight on their own. No one seemed to notice that they were gone. Not even Riku, who has so far appeared to be the most intelligent of the bunch, recognized their disappearance.

"TRY AND MAKE ME SHUT UP, RIKU!" Kairi shouted. "It's because of you that I'm acting this way anyhow. You shouldn't have told me that Sora was a girl!!!"

"WHAT?!?" Sora questioned rather loudly. "I'LL KILL YOU, RIKU!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Now, calm down, Sora," Riku encouraged. "I was only being honest . . ."

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TRIED TO STEAL MY GIRLFRIEND AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Honestly, Sora, I . . ."

"I'M GONNA MAKE YOU PAY!!!"

"So . . . Sora's not a girl?" Kairi attempted to conclude.

"What was your first clue?" Riku asked.

"YOU LIED TO ME?!?!?!?!?!" Kairi excliamed. "I'LL KILL YOU, RIKU!!!!!!!!!!"

"Now, everyone just take it easy," Riku said hastily. "We can't forget our mission, can we now?"

Sora and Kairi were creeping toward Riku with eyes of destruction. Riku backed away until his ankle touched the edge of the water. Scared to the point of wetting his pants, he shivered with fear and waited. His closed his eyes and braced for impact. The raging lunatics were coming closer and closer until . . .

"HAHA!!!! You should've seen your face, Riku!"

Riku opened his eyes to see Sora and Kairi laughing uncontrolably and pointing in his direction.

"You didn't dampen your pants, did you?" Kairi asked, sputtering out giggles in between her words.

Riku was desperately trying to cover up the evidence while Sora added, "I think he might have . . . HAHA! I advise you to change your clothes before we leave, Riku. You don't want the king finding out about your accident, do you?"

Riku waddled away with an embarrassed look across his face. Kairi and Sora were still exploding in fits of laughter.

Meanwhile, Donald and Goofy were spread out on another shore of the island catching sun rays.

"So, Donald," Goofy began, "do you think they're having any fun without us?"

"Nah . . ." Donald replied. "They're probably still arguing. Besides, it's easier to enjoy our vacation without them around."

"Do you think they'll ever find out what's really going on?"

"Eventually, but a wild goose chase won't hurt them any."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. You're so smart, Donald."

"I know. I'm going to rule the world someday with the powers of . . . DARKNESS!!!"

"Really?"

"Nah . . . I was just pulling your leg."

"You were? I didn't feel anything. . . ."

Donald rolled his eyes. "You are such an idiot, Goofy."

"At least I know enough to put on pants."

"It's a cloak, I tell you! A CLOAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Once Riku managed to change his pants and return, Sora and Kairi, who had finally stopped laughing, couldn't help but smile.

_Oh, brother, _Riku thought to himself. _They're never going to let me live this down, are they?_

_Nope, _Sora thought in response, and Riku could hear him through his own mind.

_Ahh! You can read my thoughts?!? Sora, where did you learn to do that?_

_I've always been able to do it. I know what you're thinking all the time, Riku. Like, right now, you're thinking about ice cream!_

_How can you possible know that???_

_I know what you're thinking, Riku. Isn't that creepy? MWAHAHAHA!_

_Yes, as a matter of fact, it is creepy. I think you should stop it now . . ._

_No, I don't wanna! This is fun!_

_GRRRR! Sora, knocked it off or I'll pound your head in again!_

_Why are you always so mean to me?_

_Because . . . because . . . JUST BECAUSE!_

_Oh, that's a good reason. Seriously, Riku, why do you like to bully people? If you don't tell me, I'll possess you and make you wet your pants again!_

_Sora, just stop being a dork! You want to know why I beat you up? Because you are a disgrace to the universe! _

_That's it! You're getting possessed!_


	5. Chapter 5: Mind Games

When we left our characters, Sora was busy invading Riku's mind.

_Seriously, Riku, why do you like to bully people? If you don't tell me, I'll possess you and make you wet your pants again!_

_Sora, just stop being a dork! You want to know why I beat you up? Because you are a disgrace to the universe! _

_That's it! You're getting possessed!_

Suddenly, Sora was in complete control over Riku's body, which meant that Sora's body was lying lifeless on the sandy beach. Now, Riku had already experienced possession, and he knew how to handle it, but Sora's method was a little different.

_I told you I would possess you! _Sora shouted from inside Riku. _Now I can make you say whatever I want to!_

_Get out, you idiot!_ Riku tried to persuade.

_No, this is fun. I'm gonna make you say stupid things to Kairi. So . . . start moving your feet . . ._

Riku's legs began to move unwillingly toward Kairi. This looked kind of like a zombie walking around, but Sora made it possible nevertheless. He managed to bring Riku close to Kairi . . . and I mean, really close.

"Umm . . ." Kairi uttered. "Riku, what are you doing? And why is Sora lying over there?"

"Hi, Kairi," Sora make Riku say. But, you see, this still sounded like Sora's voice, so Sora tried to deepen his voice to make it sound more like Riku's. This resulted in an awkward-sounding Riku.

"Uh . . . Hi, Riku. Are you going to answer my questions?"

"Sora's so smart and I'm so dumb, Kairi. You shouldn't hang out with me anymore."

"Riku, why is your voice so weird?"

"Um . . . uh . . . well . . . I ate something bad today."

"You mean Donald's earwax marshmellows?"

"Yeah, that would be it."

"Okay," Kairi said, "I'll buy that. Now, when do we leave for Mickey's castle?"

"Uh . . . I'll just go pick up Sora's limp body and we'll be on our way."

So they went for the cavern, Riku (or Sora controling Riku) carrying Sora's body. I hope I'm not making this confusing. They passed through the strange handleless door in the secret cave and immediately found themselves in the garden outside King Mickey's castle.

"Well," Kairi said, "Let's go inside and see how bad this really is. I hope Sora wakes up soon . . ."

_You stupid . . . _Riku was screaming in his thoughts. _Sora, get out of my mind now!!! This isn't funny anymore._

_It's funny to me,_ Sora answered.

_I don't care what's funny to you. You need to get back into your body and use the keyblade. You're going to be needing it real soon . . . _

_Whatever, Riku . . . You just want me out of your body._

_That's right, I do! You don't belong here . . . and this is just freaking me out. There, I admitted it. Now, leave!_

_Are you going to bully me anymore?_

_Well . . . _

_Promise not to and I'll leave!_

_Okay . . ._

_Okay what?_

_I promise not to bully you anymore._

_YAY! Okay, I'm gone._

Sora rushed back into his own body, which was slung across Riku's shoulder. Riku dropped him hard on the ground immediately. He was about to start whacking him with a random object again until he remembered his promise.

"Darn . . ." he said to himself. "What will I do for fun now?"

"Okay!" Sora said enthusiastically. "Let's get in the castle!"

They reached the door and went inside, stumbling through hallways filled with heartless.

"What . . . the . . ." Riku began.

"The heartless are . . ." Sora stuttered, glancing around, "cleaning?"

Sure enough, there were heartless, big and small, cleaning up throughout the castle.

"HAHA!" Sora laughed out loud. "Heartless are cleaning! HAHAHAHA!!!"

"It's not funny, Sora," Kairi corrected. "This isn't normal."

"Let's go see if Jim and the others are here!" Sora suggested.

"Now, let's not rush into this so easily, Sora," Riku cautioned.

"Why not? I want to see what's going on!"

"Then, let's move to the throne room," Kairi encouraged.

And now we return to Donald and Goofy on the beach.

"I can't swim!" Donald was screaming. "HELP!"

You see, the tide had come in while he was sleeping and the water washed him away. Goofy, who was too heavy to be taken, surpressed his laughter as Donald struggled to shore.

"You're a duck," Goofy pointed out. "I thought ducks could swim . . ."

"Apparently not!" Donald shouted. "Now, HELP ME!"

"Duh . . . what do ya want me to do?"

"Whatever you want! Just do something!"

"Okay! You asked for it!"

Goofy went back into a relaxed postion across the beach, further from the rising water.

"What the heck are you doing!?!" Donald exclaimed, gurgling water as he spoke. "I'm drowning over here!"

"You said to do whatever I wanted to."

"Thanks, Goofy . . . thanks a lot."

Meanwhile, Sora and his company had entered the long throne room. The king, or who they thought was the king, was sitting merrily at the other end, surrounded by happy cleaning heartless. Strange, I know.

"HAHA!" Sora bellowed out again. "Heartless are still cleaning! I gotta ask Mickey how he did that!"

When they reached King Mickey enough to see what he really was, Riku gasped, Kairi placed her hand over her mouth, and Sora screamed like a child who lost his lollipop.

King Mickey had been replaced by none other than . . . A STUFFED TEDDY BEAR!

"What are we going to do now?" Kairi asked.

"You mean to tell me that a teddy bear is doing all this?" Riku said.

"Oh my gosh!" Sora burst out. "They shot the king and stuffed him!"

"You idiot," Riku grunted. "That doesn't even look like the king."

"Now that you mention it . . . he's kind of cute!"

"Uh, Sora . . ."

But just as Sora was about to run up and hug the little innocent stuffed animal, the teddy bear stiffened.

"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME!" it screamed.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sora exclaimed and began to run around in circles. "IT TALKS!!!!!!"

Riku put his arm out just as Sora was running by. Sora was knocked to his feet, hitting his head off the hard floor.

"Ow," he commented. "My brain hurts . . ."

"Do you think we really care right now, Sora?"

"INTRUDERS!" the teddy bear shouted, pushing a large red button that suddenly appeared on the arm of his chair.

A loud alarm began to sound and Kairi, Riku, and Sora (head still spinning) watched the flashing red lights go off around them.

"Oh, no!" Sora yelled. "We're going to die!!!"

The happy cleaning heartless now had red eyes. They immediately stopped cleaning and began marching toward Sora and his friends. Just as things were looking bad, they got even worse (yes, I know, that sounded dumb). An army of armored people, just like Jim and his friends had been, jumped out from openings in the walls, all carrying keyblades.

"AHH! Now we're really going to die!"

"Sora," Riku addressed, "take out your keyblade!"

When the evil teddy bear saw Sora do this, under Riku's command, his eyes widened.

"STOP!" he called out. "That's the true keyblade master!"

All the enemies froze and began to bow down before Sora.

"I'm liking this," Sora grinned.

"Oh, shut up, Sora," Riku muttered.


	6. Chapter 6: What's Going on Here?

_All the enemies froze and began to bow down before Sora._

_"I'm liking this," Sora grinned._

_"Oh, shut up, Sora," Riku muttered._

"All right," Kairi spoke out to the teddy bear. "Who are you and what did you do with the king?"

The teddy bear smiled in a evil talking animal sort of way and replied, "My name is 32896920875347683 hghruueiifjjjdhhhwdnncammawkehhdf 39787548398784 fjhhvfduvhalsmmmcc (&$! . . . but you can just call me Jeffrey."

Sora's head turned sideways and he stared at Jeff in a kodak moment kind of pose. "Can you repeat that?" he asked, perplexed.

"You still didn't tell us what you did with the king," Riku pointed out, "and all the others who lived here."

The teddy bear began to laugh in the classic evil villian tone. "MWAHAHAHAHA!" he bellowed out. "I turned them all into stuffed animals!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" Sora screamed, looking up toward the ceiling as if the world was ending. "WHATEVER WILL WE DO???!!!???"

Kairi whacked him in the back of the head and continued, "Where are they? How do we change them back?"

"Like I'd tell you . . ." Jeffrey giggled maliciously. "I'll just see if you can guess that they're crammed in the fridge."

Riku burst out, "Hey, thanks! Fridge, here we come!"

He turned around and ran toward the castle kitchen, but since Sora stayed behind, Kairi did too, for . . . um . . . moral support. Yeah, whatever . . . something like that. I'm losing it.

Back on the islands, Donald had managed to make it to the shore, and he was currently pounding Goofy into the sand for leaving him stranded out in the ocean. This lasted for several minutes until Goofy lost consciousness, at which point Donald left the beach in frustration.

Riku went toward the fridge and found what he was looking for . . . well, sort of.

"SWEET!" he shouted. "They have butterfingers!!!"

As you can see here, Riku was temporarily distracted by the large stash of candy bars sitting on the counter. When I say _temporarily,_ I actually mean something more like _permanently._

While Riku was satisfying his atonishlingly large sweet tooth, Sora and Kairi were confronting Jeffrey the Teddy Bear about his evil plans.

"Just what are you going to do?" Kairi interrogated. "Why did you do this to Mickey's palace?"

"Because," Jeff answered, "I want to . . . RULE THE WORLD!!!!"

Sora then showed that he did, in fact, have some brains. "Don't you mean _worlds_?" he corrected. "Aren't there more than one?"

"Whatever . . ." Jeff pushed aside.

"But there's no way you can take over all the worlds," Kairi pointed out. "There's too many. It would take too long."

"Shut up, little girl! I have stuffing, and I'm not afraid to use it!"

"How come all these other people have keyblades?" Sora asked.

"Because I gave them keyblades," Jeff answered. "I found a whole bunch just laying around in Mickey's closet, so I just handed them out like candy bars. Speaking of which, I hope that pile of candy I ordered is doing okay."

"Uh, oh . . ." Kairi began. "Did you say _candy_? Sora, wasn't Riku headed for the kitchen."

"I think so, but I don't remember."

"It was just a few minutes ago, Sora! Geez!"

"Why does it matter anyway?"

"Because . . . Sora, don't you remember what happened the day of your 10th birthday party?"

"Not really. Why?"

"Remember all that candy your grandmother gave you?"

"Maybe . . ."

"Remember what happened to all that candy?"

Suddenly Sora's memory flashed on. "OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!! RIKU ATE ALL MY CANDY!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Now you get it! We have to stop him before he overdoes it! Mr. Bear, just how much candy is there?"

"Wait a second . . ." Jeff began. "I'm evil! Why aren't you yelling at me anymore!"

"Your candy's going to be gone if we don't get to Riku fast enough! I'll make an agreement with you, Jeffrey . . ."

"What?"

"We'll go save your candy," Kairi bargained, "if you promise to change everyone back and stop trying to rule the worlds."

"That's a big favor you're asking," Jeff argued. "If you find me more candy, I'll make it a deal."

"Fine. How much candy?"

"I want this whole throne room filled with candy. When you have it here, I'll leave and change everything back to normal."

"What?!?" Kairi exclaimed. "How are we supposed to get that much candy?"

"I don't know. That's your end of the bargain."

Kairi made an annoyed face, grabbed Sora by the arm, and dragged him like a ragdoll as they made their way to the kitchen. When they had arrived, the found an unpleasant sight.

"Jim!" Sora greeted. "And Sam! And Holly! What are you guys doing here?"

"Tending to your friend," Jim answered, moving aside to reveal a rather round-looking Riku. "He's eaten all of our king's candy stash."

Sora went ballistic. "What? Riku, you idiot! And you didn't care to save any for me!!!"

"Uuuggghhhhh," Riku moaned, holding his stomach and lying upon the counter covered in chocolate.

"Sora, this is serious," Kairi reminded. "Jim, is he going to be okay?"

"I don't know. He's definitely going to have stomach pains for a while."

"BUUURRRRPPPP!!!!!!!!" Riku suddenly burst out.

"Oh, no!" Sora screamed. "He's gonna explode!!!"

"Oh, great . . ." Kairi said. "How are we going to find enough candy for Jeff?"

"We can help," Sam volunteered. "We'll leave Riku with the nurses and help you search for candy."

"But he wants the throne room filled!!!"

"Then, I guess we'll be gone for a while," Holly said. "The king gets grumpy when he doesn't have enough sugar."

"The king?" Kairi questioned. "Why do you call him that?"

"Because he told us to," Jim replied. "Now, let's get going!"


	7. Chapter 7: You're a Winner!

_"Then, I guess we'll be gone for a while," Holly said. "The king gets grumpy when he doesn't have enough sugar."_

_"The king?" Kairi questioned. "Why do you call him that?"_

_"Because he told us to," Jim replied. "Now, let's get going!"_

"Okay!" Sora shouted out, running for the door before anyone else.

"Sora," Kairi stopped, "Aren't you going to say goodbye to Riku?"

"No," Sora said, turning to look at his moaning friend. "It's his own fault. Everyone knows you aren't supposed to eat that much candy all at once. Besides, he ate all my birthday candy, and this is payback!!!"

Without any further arguments, Sora, Kairi, Jim, Sam, and Holly began their adventure to search for enough candy to fill up Jeff the Teddy Bear's throne room. They hadn't even made it off the castle grounds before Sora stopped short.

"Hey, Kairi," he began, "where are Donald and Goofy?"

"Haha!" Goofy snorted in laughter. "There's a cuddly teddy bear in the king's throne room!"

"Yeah!" Donald joined, over his spell of anger. "And King Mickey and the others are locked in the fridge, filled with stuffing!!!"

"HAHAHA!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Doncha think we should do something, Donald?"

"Not yet . . . vacation's not over."

"I don't know," Kairi answered. "Maybe they're still on the island. Anyway, why do you care?"

"I don't. Just wondering . . . "

"Well, then, let's keep moving."

The party of five began asking around for any signs of candy, but they could only find some for sale at the markets. The problem with that was that no one had any money with them. Well, Sora found 3 munny in his pocket, but that could only buy them a tootsie roll.

"This is stupid!" Sora bellowed out in the middle of the street. "How are we supposed to get all that candy!?!"

"We'll find a way, Sora," Jim reassured.

"Yeah? Well . . . I give up!"

"Come on, Sora," Kairi encouraged. "You've never given up that easy before!"

"But I want to go home and watch TV! I just got back to the islands! I need to catch up on all the shows I missed!!!"

"Sora . . ." Kairi began.

"WHAT?!?"

"You complain too much."

"Fine! Ya know what!?! I'll prove you wrong! I won't complain the rest of the day! HAHA! Take that, Kairi!"

"Then, we're still searching for candy?"

"Yeah!!! Haha! Bet you weren't expecting that!"

"Oh, Sora . . ." Kairi sighed.

"Hey, guess what, everyone?" Sam suddenly spoke out. He was standing over by a TV in a nearby shop, watching intently.

"What? What? WHAT?" Sora exclaimed.

"You just won the award for best voice acting in a video game!" Sam responded.

"Really? AWESOME!" Sora said, jumping up and down before stopping short. "Wait . . . what does that mean?"

"It's means that you aren't there to accept the award," Holly explained.

"Maybe we should all show up unexpectedly," Jim suggested. "Maybe they have candy there."

"But where is it?" Sora wondered. "What world do we go to?"

Jim's face became shadowed in a dramatic way and he lowered his eyes. Scary music began to play as he deeply spoke, "We must go to . . . AMERICA!!!"

"NOOOO!!!!" Sora shouted. "Wait . . . what's that?"

Kairi clapped her hand on her head and sighed at Sora's stupidity. "It's only the scariest place in all existence, Sora," she said.

"But we get to take our keyblades, right?" Sora asked.

"Yeah, but they have nuclear weapons," Sam broke in.

"What are _nuclear weapons_?"

"They're like the deadliest weapons ever!" Holly said. "In one explosion, a whole world can disappear."

"So, what do we do then?"

"We go anyway," Jim determined. "It's not like they have any reason to hurt us. We'll just go to this ceremony and accept the award and search for candy. If they see that we aren't a threat, they won't blow us up."

"Okay!" Sora agreed. "That's the plan!"

Arriving in America was a freaky experience for everyone. They had gathered up a gummi ship for their travel, but when they landed, they were met with strange faces.

"I think it's this way," Jim annouced, pointing ahead of them. "Just follow me."

"Don't worry," Holly said. "Jim's been here before. He's knows what he's doing."

Well, to say the least, the people walking the streets weren't used to armored people walking around town, let alone a kid with giant feet and an abnormal hair style, all of whom were carrying giant keys. They only normal one seemed to be Kairi. They pointed and whispered to each other, while Sora was busy picking up pieces of gum he found sticking to the sidewalk.

"What the heck are you doing?" Kairi asked him.

"This looks like candy," Sora answered. "Every little piece counts, so I'm collecting it all."

"But Sora . . . that's already been chewed on."

"AH!" Sora exclaimed, dropping his collection back on the ground and whiping his hand clean on his shorts. "Ewwww . . ."

Before long, they had at last arrived at the video game awards ceremony. But they ran into trouble with the guards at the doorway . . .


	8. Chapter 8: Who the Heck Are You?

_Before long, they had at last arrived at the video game awards ceremony. But they ran into trouble with the guards at the doorway . . ._

"Hey, who the heck are you supposed to be?" the first guard asked the approaching strangers.

"We just came from Disney Castle," Sora explained. "We're here to accept our award."

"Award?" the second guard pondered. "Hmm . . . Oh, I get it. You're trying to pass yourselves off as real video game characters, aren't you?"

"Sora!" Jim whispered. "You have to be careful about what you say. The people here don't believe we actually exist."

"What do you mean?"

"So," the first guard began, "you've got some nice-looking cosplay outfits, but that's not going to get you a ticket into the award show. Sorry, but you're going to have to turn around and go home, little kids."

"Who are you calling _little kids_!?!" Kairi burst out. "Can't you see we're teenagers!?!"

"Oh, sorry," the guard apologized. "Wait . . . I shouldn't be saying that! You guys all need to get out of here, children or not! No tickets, no admission."

"Sora, now's the time to pull out the keyblades!" Jim asserted.

"Okay!" Sora shouted, followed by Sam, Holly, and Kairi. Yes, Kairi now has her own keyblade, remember?

They all drew their weapons and went for the guards. You can just imagine the reactions. The guards weren't expecting something like this. At first, they were thinking that the keyblades were fake cosplay weapons, but that assumption was quickly discarded. The guards reached for their handguns, but didn't have time to grab them before they were knocked from their feet and onto the ground.

"HA!" Sora grinned. "That's why you don't mess with a keyblade master, suckers!"

"Come on, Sora," Kairi said, grabbing her friend's hand. "Let's get inside."

"Urrggghhh . . ." Riku groaned, resting his hand against his aching stomach and looking extremely pale. "When will it end?"

"Well, considering how much candy you ingested," the nurse said, "it seems as though it won't end until you get the excess out."

"How do I do that?"

"Well, Mr. Riku, you can do this one of two ways. Your body will choose."

"You mean . . . ?"

"Yep."

"Oh, great . . ."

It wasn't such an easy thing to walk down an aisle with large crowds sitting on either side, watching their every move, but Sora led the way as he and his gang braved it. The show was completely stopped once enough people noticed them.

"And who do we have here?" the host greeted, his voice multiplied throughout the auditorium.

Sora left the others behind and ran up to the front. "I'm here! I'm here! I'm here!" he shouted, bouncing up and down next to the man hosting.

Kairi and the others soon joined him on the stage, staring out into the bright lights and confused faces of the crowd.

"And what are you here for?" the host asked. "Those are the best cosplay costumes I've seen in a long time."

"I'm here for the award!" Sora made known. "So . . . where is it?"

"I'm afraid that even if you are the real Sora, the award doesn't go to you. It goes to the directors and producers of the _Kingdom Hearts_ game. Isn't that right, everyone?"

The crowd roared in approval. Sora stood motionless with a depressed look.

"But we came all this way to get it . . ." he informed.

"Sora," Jim interrupted, "what we really came for was candy. The award is the least of our worries."

"Candy?" the host said. "What do you need candy for?"

"Well, you see, Mr. Announcer Guy," Sora told him, "it's quite a long story. We don't have all that much time, and we need enough candy to fill up a throne room before it's too late."

"A throne room?"

"Yeah, at Disney Castle. We need to give it to an evil teddy bear . . ."

"He's not evil!!!" Sam yelled out.

"Yeah!" Holly agreed. "He's our king!"

Before anyone knew what was happening, Sora was in an onstage conflict with the armored keyblade masters. Kairi was watching worriedly along with the others. Clouds of dust arose and everyone listened anxiously to the fight, waiting for the outcome. When the dust cleared . . .

"How long am I going to puke up chocolate!!!???!!!" Riku shouted from his position, bent over a bucket filled with candy remains you wouldn't want to eat.

"Until you get enough out," the nurse answered. "Well, it looks like you're going to be fine, so I'll leave you to your business."

"AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I'll never eat another candy bar again!!!!!!!"

. . . Sora was standing on top of a pile of armor.

"Yes, Sora!" Kairi shouted. "How'd you do that?"

Sora stood proudly and listened intently to the cheer and applause of the audience.

"It was nothing," Sora boasted, his hands placed strongly upon his hips. "They were all a bunch of weaklings anyway."

Just then, an armored glove grabbed Sora's ankle. Jim looked deeply into the eyes of his new enemy. "It's time for the keyblade war to begin," he announced.

When Jim finished, the eyes of the people in the crowd turn cold and stared at Sora menacingly. They all transformed into armored men and women like Jim and his friends, and they all carried keyblades at their sides. Even the host had changed.

"We tricked you, Sora," Sam laughed, bringing himself to his feet. "This was all a setup."

"Setup?" Kairi questioned, holding her weapon tightly. "What did you do?"

"We brought you to a unfamilar world," Jim explained. "We knew you wouldn't stand a chance against us in a world you didn't know. King Jeff the Teddy Bear values us as hunters. Our job all along was to bring all the real keyblade masters down. That means that you, Kairi, Riku, and Mickey must all be eliminated in order for us to win full control of the keyblade power."

"You evil . . ." Kairi began.

"Call us whatever you want. It doesn't matter now. You were all fooled. In a few hours, Mickey and his friends of the castle will be burned in their stuffed animal form. And your friend Riku ate the candy that our king put there especially for him. It was posioned. Riku is probably puking his guts out right now, and it won't ever stop. We finished him off too! Now, it's your turn!"

Kairi and Sora stood side by side, surrounded by and immense army of keyblade wielders.

"Sora," Kairi uttered.

"Huh?"

"If we die here, there's something I'd like for you to know."

"Same here."

"You first, Sora."

"No, you go, Kairi."

"No, you!"

"No, you!"

"Out with it, Sora!"

"There's no time!" Jim bellowed, charging at his challengers at full speed, keyblade pointed forward. "It's all over now!"


	9. Chapter 9: The Revealed Enemy

_"There's no time!" Jim bellowed, charging at his challengers at full speed, keyblade pointed forward. "It's all over now!"_

"Okay, then!" Kairi spoke up bravely, brandishing her own keyblade this time (instead of taking Sora's). "Bring it on, Jim!"

And Sora was . . . clinging to Kairi's leg? He uneasily glanced at the flesh-eating crowd closing in on them and immediately decided he didn't want to be part of the fight.

"Kairi, I want to go home!" he cried.

"Sora!" she yelled, shaking her leg repeatedly in effort to break his tight grip. "This is no time to be a baby!!!"

"I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't—"

"Sora, stand up! Jim's coming!"

Sora didn't stand up. Jim came at full force and his keyblade clashed with Kairi's. Kairi was having a difficult time dealing with both Jim and Sora, who was still tightly latched onto her leg.

"Sora, aren't you going to help???" she asked. "Get off me!!!"

"Kairi . . . I'm going to die!!! WAHHHHH!!!!!!!"

"Sora, get out your keyblade, now!"

"I don't wanna!!!!" Sora began to shed tears as the bloodthirsty crowd with their blades were coming closer. "SAVE ME, KAIRI!"

"I can't do two things at once, Sora! Save yourself for once!" Kairi scolded. "AND LET GO OF ME!"

Jim continued striking, distracting Kairi and causing Sora's grip to tighten around her leg. His tears streamed down his face, which was white with fear.

"They're coming! Help, Kairi! HELP!"

Kairi rolled her eyes and tried to focus on fending off Jim. "Take care of it yourself! I'm not fighting this whole thing for you!"

"Oh, no! Oh, no! THEY'RE GONNA EAT ME!!!!!!!!!!!"

Sora's grasp was now turning Kairi's leg blue. Sora was more trouble than Jim was.

"THAT'S IT, SORA!!!!! GET OFF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Kairi was almost breathing fire. Sora shied back and released her, a disciplined puppy look on his face.

"Kairi . . ." he dared to uttered. "Please don't kill me . . ."

"You would deserve it right about now! Are you going to help me out here, or not?"

"But . . . Kairi . . . I . . . I . . ."

"Oh, no. Not this again."

"I . . . I . . ."

"Just say it already!"

"Um . . . I . . ."

"Sora, there's no time for this now!" Kairi shouted, blocking another one of Jim's attacks.

"I . . . I love you, Kairi!!!"

Kairi paused. Jim paused. The whole room was frozen as if they were watching the world's end in pretty colors.

"It's true," Sora confessed.

Kairi couldn't reply. ". . ."

Neither could Sora. ". . ."

". . ."

". . ."

". . ."

". . ."

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Jim called out.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" Kairi finally asked.

"Because . . . I wasn't sure what you'd say."

"So . . . what now?"

Sora yanked out his keyblade. "First, we get rid of these guys!" he replied, suddenly feeling more confident.

"Good idea!"

"And then we get some ice cream!"

Kairi shook her head in disappointment. Well, at least he wasn't clinging to her leg anymore.

"Wait," Jim interrupted. "Allow me to show you my true face first."

"You mean he has an actual face underneath that thing???" Sora queried.

"Of course, Sora," Kairi sighed.

"All right, then, let's see it!"

Jim prepared to lift his armored mask, watching Sora's eyes carefully. "Very well, then," he grinned.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sora screamed.

"Sora," Kairi calmed, "he hasn't even taken it off yet."

"Oh . . ."

Then, Jim finally revealed his face.

"Sora, why aren't you screaming now?" Kairi wondered.

"Oh, he did it? Wow . . . guess I just dozed off." Sora cleared his throat. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"That's right Sora," Jim laughed. "It's me, Sephiroth . . ."

"Oh, no," Sora cringed. "Why does every game end this way? WHY? I think the writers really hate me . . ."


	10. Chapter 10: The Final Battle

Everyone else in the room had suddenly disappeared, and the whole stage turned into a battle arena at the command of Sephiroth's withdrawn hand. And what would a fight with the One-Winged Angel be without his theme song? Yep, that started to play as well.

"Wait a minute," Kairi pondered. "Then, who were Holly and Sam?"

"Oh, them . . ." Sephiroth began to explain. "That was Cloud and Aerith. I hired them for one million munny each to help me scare the crap out of you. And they thought it would be fun, too, so they agreed."

"I thought Cloud hated you," Sora said.

"Nah . . . Cloud and I are actually good buddies. I just get mad at him when he tries to steal my cookies. My mom makes some mean chocolate chip cookies!"

"Jenova bakes?" Kairi questioned.

"Are you making fun of my mom?!?!?"

"No, Mr. Sephiroth, sir. I would never make fun of your mother."

"Good! Too bad you're going to die anyway!!!"

"Wait!" Sora stopped, nervous for the fight. "Who's this Jeffrey guy and why did he turn Mickey into a stuffed animal."

"You idiots! Jeffrey _is _King Mickey!!! When he heard that you were coming to the castle, he turned himself into a teddy bear, turned his servants into heartless, and threw in some fake keyblades. Then, he sent you on a quest for candy to make you leave. He doesn't want you around him anymore!"

"So it was all for show?" Kairi asked.

"Yeah, it was. The worst part is that you all bought it. Donald and Goofy knew the whole time, but they never said a word. Mickey was angry with them because they carelessly went running to your island after one of the servants tried to scold them for stealing candy."

"Oh . . ." Sora responded. "Kairi, how could you be so stupid!?!"

"What? Sora, you believed it too! By the way, Sephiroth, how do you know all this?"

"Mickey hired me to assassinate you guys for ten million munny. How do you think I could afford to hire Cloud and Aerith?"

"Well, guess what, Sephiroth?" Sora braved. "I've beaten you before, so I can do it again! Then, I get to watch the secret movie at the end."

"What are you talking about?"

Sora didn't answer. He charged toward Sephiroth as the One-Winged Angel theme reached a dramatic transition. There was a emission of waves of light as Sephiroth's masamune collided with Sora's keyblade.

"You won't beat me this time, Sora," Sephiroth boasted. "I've learned some new things since we last met."

"Oh, yeah? Well, so have I!" Sora prepared his new move. "I'll finished you off quick this time, and I won't even need an elixir!"

"Considering you don't have any . . ." Kairi muttered.

"OMNI-SLASH!!!" Sora cried out. "KEYBLADE STYLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Sora was charged up and glowing a vibrant blue color. His speed was great and Kairi's eyes couldn't keep up, let alone Sephiroth's. He zoomed back and forth across the stage, whacking Sephiroth whenever he passed him. Sephiroth was thinking he might lose, until Sora's light dimmed and he sat on the floor, exhausted.

"Drat!" he cursed. "I ran out of chakra!"

"What?" Sephiroth questioned.

"Never mind. Just give me a second to catch my breath."

"Oh, okay . . ."

Within a few minutes, Sora was back to his Omni-Slash, striking Sephiroth repeatedly until the last cry sounded. Sephiroth was down.

"You cheated!" he complained.

"No, I didn't! KEYBLADE STYLE always wins the match! And, besides, you're a loser!"

"Good job, Sora!" Kairi congratulated. "Now, let's pick up Riku and go home."

"I can't believe King Mickey hates us," Riku stated, leaning against the paopu tree beside Sora and Kairi. "I guess his letter really was serious."

"Yeah, but who needs him anyway?" Sora commented. "It's his loss, not ours."

"I guess. Hey, Sora, did you get that secret movie?"

"Yep, it's right here," Sora responded, holding up a tape.

"Cool! Pop it in!"

The paopu tree expanded into a big screen with a VCR slot at the bottom. Sora pushed the tape into the opening and sat back next to Kairi.

Kairi put her hand on his. "Aww . . . Our first movie together. Isn't it exciting, Sora?" she said.

Sora blushed. "Yeah, of course."

"Geez . . ." Riku gagged. "I can't take more of this, guys! Could you just be normal around me? Urgh . . . My stomach feels just like it did after all that candy."

"Just shut up and watch the secret ending, Riku!" Sora silenced.


	11. The Secret Ending

The scene opened with a monkey sitting on a tree scratching himself.

"Sora," Riku mumbled, "are you sure this is the right tape?"

"Whoops . . ." Sora said, pushing the eject button. "Sorry, I was recording _Animal Planet_ last night. Wrong tape!"

"Can I ask why—?"

"NO! I'm switching the tape now!"

Sora slid the tape into place and the movie began. The scene revealed a darkened night, the outline of a black figure shining in the moonlight. The figure stood on a mountaintop, glancing down at the illuminated city below him.

"What is this?" Riku pondered. "I don't get it."

"Since when do secret endings make sense, Riku?" Kairi pointed out. "Just pay attention!"

The figure stepped toward the edge of the cliff, his toes above the air. He held out his arms, expanding his cloak, before jumping off and gliding toward the city.

"Batman's coming!" Sora exclaimed.

"Sora, that's not Batman," Kairi corrected.

"Dang . . ."

The shadow landed on the top of a building below. The cars rushing across the streets were now visible.

"Hey . . . that place looks familiar . . ." Sora thought.

"It's America!" Kairi recognized.

"You mean we have to go there again! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"

"Calm down, Sora," Riku eased. "Let's not draw any conclusions just yet."

The person began to turn his face toward the camera. Sora braced himself.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Sora, nothing happened yet," Kairi said.

"Oh . . . I was just building suspense."

The face began to show and . . . the tape cut off.

"Shoot!" Sora shouted, tossing the remote at the paopu tree.

It bounced off and hit Riku in the head. "Ouch! Sora, you idiot!"

"Now what?" Sora asked.

"We wait until this guy shows up," Riku answered.

"What if it's a girl?" Kairi said.

"Or girl . . ."

"This sucks!" Sora groaned. "CURSE YOU, WRITERS!!!"

"Sora, just face it," Riku agreed, "our lives are crap. _Kingdom Hearts _is never going to end. It's going to be another _Final Fantasy_."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"And we'll have to keep on doing this for the rest of our stupid, made-up, lives."

"Riku wet his pants . . . Riku wet his pants . . . Riku wet his pants!"

Kairi and Sora began to chant these words repeatedly.

"Are you guys even listening to me!?!" Riku yelled out.

"Riku wet his pants . . ."

And it was only drowned out went the sun set. Riku, Kairi, and Sora closed their eyes and went to sleep, unknowing of the writer's plans.

Meanwhile, in Japan, developers encouraged the writing of the next game, and writers poured out random ideas for the plot.

"What if Sora died?" one writer suggested.

"Yeah! But . . . then we'd have to find a new protagonist."

"It can be Riku. Riku comes to the city, kills Sora, takes Kairi as his girlfriend, and saves the world against the vampires."

"Vampires? And how is Sora in the city? And why would Riku kill him? And wouldn't that make Riku the antagonist?"

"Just go with it. Violence solves everything."

"Okay . . ."

THE END


End file.
